People always say time is a healer, I wonder when my time will come…..

It always perplexed me when it seemed to everyone except me that you were going to survive. Was I seeing something they could not? I really don’t think so. Was I just that cynical at the ripe old age of 11? I was, and probably still am rather naive in matters like this so it’s very doubtful. Did I want you to die and seeing you progressively getting worse and worse by the day just wishful thinking on my part? Most definitely not!

Today would have been your 39th Birthday had you not died 22 years ago. I still remember that Birthday well. You standing behind me cupping my chin in your hand. You were always so very tall, having lost so much weight from the Chemotherapy and the Cancer itself made you appear taller than ever!

I wish I had had more time to spend with you, I worry that I’ll forget you, your voice, the way you looked, how ruthlessly you teased me, the nicknames that made me cringe. But on the other hand I still remember the silly games we used to play together, how you used to pick me up from school while walking past, making me promise not to tell our parents that we’d walked home through the woods that we were not allowed to go in. How you’d look after me, keep me happy, occupied and amused while waiting for our parents to get home from work. Whether it was bouncing me on your knee, or playing games with me, or helping me with my homework.

You wanted to be a doctor, a brain surgeon in fact, you would have been a wonderful doctor! You were loving, compassionate, empathic, sympathetic. All the traits I wish more doctors had today, you had them all at the tender age of 17.

The Cancer that ravaged your body was too vigorous and you couldn’t fight it back. All the wishful thinking, all the prayers, all the tears from the whole family wouldn’t have been able to help you any more. I think you and I were the only ones who knew what was in store for you, but neither of us could talk to anyone else and it is only now that I wish so desperately that I had talked to you, but how could I? How could I ask my only brother if he thought he was going to survive when everyone else was so positive that you would and it felt like only I saw your impending death! It was only after your death, many years later in fact, that Mom had said that you had mentioned it in passing to her and she had told you not to think it let alone say it!

So that is basically how we continued, both during your illness and for many years after in fact. We just ignored the fact you had died. Mom was in complete denial and when anyone would mention your name she’d claim you were fine, still in the US, at college, whilst all the time wearing nothing except black, although she would remove the deathly colours to sleep, but that was only due to the fact she’d sleep in your old Pyjamas. I rarely brought the subject of you up with Dad and still don’t really, I think he coped with it in the way he could. What else could the poor man do? His wife blamed him for their son’s death from Cancer. A Cancer that had nothing to do with smoking, but that very son had asked if his father would quit smoking and he was unable to do so. The irony was that Mom later began smoking herself, and continued to smoke for almost twenty years. She’s quit now, but she’s tried quitting before so we will see how long it lasts this time.

Unfortunately, after your death Mom and I moved back to the UK which made it even harder still to talk to anyone regarding you, your life, and your death. Lilik was the only one I was ever able to talk to and she was now at the end of a telephone, one I could never get complete privacy on for fear Mom would overhear my quiet tears whilst talking in my bedroom. She had to cope in her own way, but in doing so she managed to make it so that I had to completely block all emotion, with those few exceptions of my wracking sobs whilst in the bathroom with the water running so that she’d not overhear.

Why did you die? So many people get Cancer and live to tell the tales. The whole family expected you to live. Prayed on a daily basis that you’d get better. Some even pretended it was just some horrible nightmare that we’d wake up from. Sometimes I still do… Why can’t I awaken from this? Why has it lasted so long?

I’d give anything, even all your teasing for the rest of my life just to have you back with us. To be able to wake from this dream and see you once again would be worth so very much…

I love you Vahe. Happy 39th Birthday

Your little sister, Tenny xoxox

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